Ayurveda is India’s 5,000-year-old Vedic practice, through which patients are treated with natural herbs and treatments in accordance with their dosha or body type. The word Ayurveda translates to “life science” in India’s ancient language, Sanskrit. Panchakarma or (five actions) is a cleansing and rejuvenation program where the mind and body are healed through detoxifying the body and stimulating the immune system, thus restoring well being and balance.
In June of 2018, I decided to go to India to complete a 6-week panchakarma detox under the care of an Ayurvedic doctor. After careful consideration, I chose a doctor in Dharamshala so that I could enjoy the mild weather in the high altitude of the Himalayan foothills as well as immerse myself in the culture. Dharamshala is unique because there is a mixture of the local village people as well as thousands of Tibetan monks and refugees who fled and continue to flee Tibet due to Chinese occupation. And just like all other places I’ve visited in India, the two cultures respectfully coexist.
Upon my arrival, I checked into a hotel near the clinic. I knew I would be relocating to a homestay before starting my treatments, so I only booked three nights. While I knew these type of detoxes would also have an emotional purge component, I really had no idea what that would look like for me. However, it was apparent on the first night that there were pretty significant shifts that were about to take place in my life.
The first night in India I had a massive dark entity attack. Then the second night I did as well. On the third night, I had yet another. During intense metaphysical work I usually experienced an average about one attack per week, so this was unusual. I felt incredibly discouraged because I was here to heal my physical body. How could I focus on this when I couldn’t sleep without being terrorized?
On the third night I also had a revealing dream. I had an aerial perspective view of a huge city tower, kind of the perspective one would have if they were hovering over a building in a helicopter. The view was that of 3D Imax theatre, just vast and breathtaking. On top of the tower was a massive water storage tank but it was open on top and overflowing with water. I knew the tower would fall. I remember zooming into one of the windows and seeing a black and white cat. The cat was peering out the window, completely unaware that it would be soon be dead.
Anyone who knows tarot knows the tower card. It’s probably one of the most powerful cards in the Major Arcana, depicting a solid tower being struck by lightening. The people in the tower are falling to their death and everything is on fire. And while this card seems to represent like nothing but catastrophic devastation, the tower card actually represents the ending of cycles, and the discontinuation of belief systems and ego patterns that are no longer serving us. Only through complete destruction of these dark constructs, can one make space for light. And while I knew the tarot card was ultimately a positive card, representing rebirth, I feared the unknown. How would this destruction take place? What would I be losing and would that threaten me in any way? And why was I getting nonstop entity attacks?
On the fourth day, I moved into an adorable homestay. I had my own bedroom with private bath and balcony for $7 USD per night. The view was spectacular, overlooking the evergreen covered mountains and a nearby natural waterfall. I was feeling more capable of focusing on my healing journey now that I’d found a safe place to unplug. However, the 4th night brought about the most horrific dark entity attack yet. I immediately woke up and messaged a spiritual pen pal in Germany. He told me I could perform a ceremonial magic ritual I had previously learned while studying occult magic. I had only used these rituals to manipulate the energy and elements within my own being, not to protect myself from external dark energies. I had no idea I could use them in this way.
That night before bed I used the lesser banishing ritual of the pentagram in my room and fell asleep. I could tell from my dreams that the entity was trying to get to me but couldn’t. The following night I did it again and I completely blocked the energies. I was now 37 years old and had desperately relied on others to remove the dark ones from my space. For the first time since I was 6 years old, I was able to independently protect myself. This was a complete game changer for me. However, I remained aware that the tower was about to fall and continued to brace myself.
A few days after moving into my new accommodation, I came home to mangoes at my door. The building owner’s daughter told me that a guy was here waiting for me for over an hour and had left. I was completely freaked out. The last thing I needed was some creepy guy following me to the remote area I lived in. My doctor stopped by that evening to visit a patient who was on bed rest. He told me that mango guy had also stopped by the clinic. He said that the man knew of my travel plans and even details about my medical issues.
I thought back several months prior. I had been talking to this guy from Delhi. He was incredibly interesting and well versed on many spiritual topics. I was particularly drawn to him because he had practiced celibacy for two years in his 20s. He didn’t just talk the talk but he actually walked the walk. I felt like he spoke my language. Well, actually, his language was often over my head. I had told him of my plans and dates to visit Dharamshala. I shared details of my trip as well as my doctor’s name. We had countless intriguing conversations and shared many of the same aspirations. Looking back on it, I don’t even think I had the willpower to try to let him into my heart space at the time. I was still very much so broken. One day I blocked him for basically no reason. I never looked back. Not until now, anyway.
I went into my room, shut the door and scrolled through my Whatsapp messages. Found him. It had been three months since we last spoke. I unblocked him.
“Umm are you following me?” I inquired.
“Oh my goodness so glad to hear from you. How have you been?” he replied.
“Are you here?” I asked again.
“I came to Dharamshala to meet you.. see you.. I had promised once. It was hard to find you. We had lost touch. The only thing I remembered was the doctor and the hotel you mentioned. I am on my way back to Delhi now.”
I was truly perplexed. We hadn’t “lost touch.” I had been a raging bitch and deleted him. He came here to see me after that? Why? I felt my shriveled black heart beat faintly.
“I saw the doctor and he said this boy was here with mangoes and knows your medical issues,” I added.
“Yes, I really wanted to see you, maybe it was not destiny,” he replied.
I felt a wave of disappointment come over me.
“I must say that was unexpected and very sweet,” I stated.
“I always listen to my heart and my soul said I should go meet her. My mind gave false reasons not to go, you know, ego, self-respect. But I didn’t listen to the mind. I took a chance.”
The rest of the conversation was small talk. His phone was dying and he was on a night bus back to Delhi. We said goodbye. I knew enough to realize that if we were meant to cross paths again, we simply would. However, I was surprised by my own feelings of excitement knowing that he traveled here to see me. A romance story similar to that of a novel or movie, yet fleeting before it could ever anchor. I imagined him coming back and throwing sticks at my balcony to get my attention and us embracing outside in the mountains in the rain. Maybe I wasn’t dead inside after all.
The next morning I went to the Ayurveda clinic for a treatment. As I walked out I heard my phone messages going off. I scrambled around to find my phone in my bag when I felt someone grab my arm. I looked up to see his smiling face.
I couldn’t even believe it. “I never get what I want,” I thought. “This can’t be real.” I was shocked and flattered and embarrassed all at once.
“I got off the bus when I heard from you. When you said you wished I didn’t leave, I knew I had to go back.”
We went back to my room so I could freshen up and change my clothes. I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face. I was happy to lock myself in the washroom for a quick shower so I could smile in private.
The next 5 days were really special. There is no other word to describe them. We got lost hiking in the rain and stayed in rooms with power outages. We laughed at each other but also had really meaningful conversations about our passions and dreams. I must admit, it was just nice to be in the presence of masculine energy. I felt really safe. I felt like if something happened, he would take care of me.
One day we were walking in the mountains and the monsoon rain came. We were sharing an umbrella and walking through a narrow walkway. I slipped a few times and my sneakers were soaked. Wet clothes, Ayurvedic diet and a bucket for a shower were all starting to get to me. When we got to our destination I completely broke down in tears. I was crying so much I had to step out to gather myself. When I came out of the washroom, I sat down at the table to join him for lunch. I looked up at him embarrassed. He smiled back and imitated me during my meltdown. We both busted out in hysterical laughter. This became one of our many inside jokes.
Eventually, he had to go back to his life in Delhi. He was studying for an exam and gallivanting around town with me certainly wasn’t going to help him prepare for it. And so he went home and I stayed in Dharamshala to finish my treatments. Only a few short days went by, however, before I started to feel like I wanted to stop talking to him. I was already mourning the death of something that had not yet died. “What is the point?” I thought. He would end up with a mother-approved Indian girl, not a western career girl from a dysfunctional family. Why let it drag on? Despite his continued adorable gestures and thoughtful words through our virtual communication, this internal battle within myself lingered.
While Ayurvedic treatments took priority over my day, I decided to (finally) pursue my Reiki master attunements after 8 years of sitting at level 2. Several weeks of blocking the dark ones with ritual magic brought me a sense of confidence. I was beginning to stand in my divine feminine power. My Reiki teacher and I were a perfect match. She, too, had experienced entity attacks as an inexperienced medium. She explained to me that I have the ability to send them to the light and she taught me how to do just that. She was attacked during my final attunements but it didn’t stop her. I now had the tools to protect myself and put my gifts to use. And while I felt very much so empowered, I continued to suffer with this unresolved issue plaguing my heart. I wanted to run away.
One day, I was the one placed on bed rest due to a rigorous treatment. I decided to review a tarot reading from four months prior. Upon revisiting my notes, I noticed that the reader said a man would come into my life, but asked, “will you let him in?” I couldn’t believe my eyes. She said it would be in 4 months time, which was… now. She described him down to the smallest detail. His height, facial hair, body type, everything. She specifically told me pay attention and to be open because this would be a soulmate connection and there was an important lesson to be learned.
As I lay there, I observed a deep struggle within myself. I concluded that my urgency to walk away from this was due to my fear of abandonment, a song I knew very well. I could see through examining my internal dialogue that this was old pain, and it needed to be released. I decided to shut down my devices and sit in this discomfort. For hours. I allowed the emotions and triggers (and tears) to come up. I felt them and then watched them leave me like passing clouds. I did this until I felt a sense of peace come over me. It was then that I simply decided to detach. The very language I observed within myself, the “what is the point if it’s going to end?” was implying that something could last forever, the opposite of impermanence. I could see very clearly that I had been running away from the mirror he placed in front of me. And while this was concept of impermanence was something I knew very well, it was in its application that I freed myself.
That night I went to sleep and had very vivid dreams. I was back in high school taking a class. I was extremely resentful and angry I had to take this class because I knew I already had a master’s degree. As I sat for the written exam, I realized that I already knew all the answers. I then got up and walked over to the teacher’s desk to ask for access to the Wi-Fi. The teacher looked up at me and responded, “6 familiar ones.” In the next scene, I was cutting off my fingertips.
As I shifted into consciousness, I knew this dream was confirmation that I was on the right path, as a series of 1s to me meant the collective ascension code. My decision to not run away, but instead to stay and love this man even when it would “end” was the lesson I needed to learn.
One’s fingertips contain their identity, something I was shedding. This false sense of self I have held onto for so long, I was beginning to cut away at it. I observed, however, when I did this, I was then left with a question.
Who am I without this story?
They say when karmic cycles are completed, soulmates who were once helping us learn our lessons will walk out of our lives.
Three days after I made the decision to love him without attachment, he disappeared.
photo credit: Akash Singh, Bangalore, India