Tangible Progress and Inner Dialogue Shift: Returning Home to the “Me” I Lost Along the Way

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“Everything you are going through is preparing you for what you asked for.”

I can’t help but think about this quote as this day has arrived. I write this as I am on a plane to my dream job. A job I would have never been a candidate for if I had never pushed myself out of my comfort zone.

For the past year and a half I have been traveling, sometimes in very compromised situations. I experienced tremendous anxiety and insomnia during some of those periods. When I arrive to my destination, I will be drug tested for my work visa. I was stressed about this because I don’t typically use medications, however, if stressors are present, I sometimes require a sleep aid. The visa is discriminatory. If I disclosed that I have a history of anxiety and depression, my visa would have not been granted due to stigma about mental illness. I know moving forward that I have to implement the tools I have learned to cope with my vices – by myself, and in a country who doesn’t support or accept me at my worst. This thought alone gave me anxiety. The memories of being where I had been in the past when the onset hit at the age of 21, unable to be stabilized. My doctors trying different cocktails of medications to get me to sleep. Me resisting taking those medications because I felt like it was giving up. I had no tools in my tool belt. I was never taught to cope and, therefore, I was medicated. The American way.

The days leading up to my departure, I did isolate myself a bit, mostly in preparation for dealing with the anxiety I was expecting. But the anxiety never came. I slept through the night with no sleep aids and minimal nightmares. And even the “nightmares” I experienced consisted of me getting in trouble for bringing sage on the plane. How silly.

I recently noticed a change in my inner dialogue also. When channeling my higher self, she always speaks to me in second person. “Go work on your vision board.” “You’re behaving this way because of your fears of abandonment.” “You’re a boss.” But recently there was someone else in there. Someone speaking in first person who wasn’t my frightened inner child. She spoke with confidence. “Look how much I’ve accomplished.” “I can do this.” I literally had to call a friend in the metaphysical community to inquire who this was. Turns out the higher self merges with the earthly self as we ascend. Who knew?

I’ve also been experiencing purges of fear. It’s interesting how the higher self knows exactly what and whom to expose us to in order to trigger such purges. In the absence of fear I really feel like I can do anything. I feel like I’m functioning from a place of unconditional love and acceptance, and I’m beginning to apply that unconditional love towards myself – The ultimate hurdle.

I feel like I don’t need to go to my empath and psychic friends anymore to figure out what the future has in store for me. I feel like I’m in control of my life. And I’m sure as they are reading this right now they are thinking, “Thank God she’s finally getting it!” I can choose if I want to stay in or leave a situation. I can choose how I react to people or situations. I no longer do so in  an impulsive manner. I “sleep” on things, sometimes for days. I make boundaries and set standards. I honor myself.

Recently I decided to stop trying to “trust God” when I get scared. Before jumping to conclusions on this, let me explain. It has always been really difficult for me to trust anything or anyone outside of myself. You’re thinking, “but God is inside of us.” Yes! And that is the exact reason why it wasn’t working… because it wasn’t resonating with me that God is inside of me. When I made this shift recently, it was because someone suggested to me that I should simply trust myself. I tried saying it out loud and not only did it resonate, but it also gave me tremendous comfort. I realize now that God is both greater than me and also inside of me, and I don’t have force myself to trust him as an entity outside of myself. I trust myself.

I don’t even recognize the girl who was hospitalized for a mental breakdown in 2004. I don’t recognize the girl who overdosed on prescription pills, not once, but several times. I don’t recognize the girl who kept attracting men who didn’t take her seriously. The girl who didn’t take herself seriously. The girl that just wanted to escape. I learned this by sitting with her in the pain. I never thought the day would come that I felt one with my higher self. I’m not sure if this is permanent and I can assume it’s not, but in this moment I am truly humbled. I have a tremendous amount of gratitude. I feel like I deserve goodness – and not in an entitled, egoic way. But instead, a way in which I would provide goodness to my inner child. I’m doing so much better with not criticizing her. I observe that critical person now instead of identify with her. That person is my mother, and her mother, and her mother. And I’m breaking the cycle. I refuse to follow in those footsteps. I’m making my own footsteps.

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